forever hunting
amongst barren grounds
a craving consciousness,
never satiated
searching for
another dose of dopamine
and spending another night
asleep with the lights on
rinse,
repeat
until you run out of breath
Tag: addiction
degenerate
fuzzy memories
blurred from bliss
hazy days spent with indulgence
reckless nights spent without regard
stolen bottles smashed onto asphalt
sirens, running
back to the safe house
for more chemicals
more meaningless sex
waking up in a strangers bed
resolutions and regret
recoil and resent
relapse and repeat
drug dreams
I’m drifting up
and crashing down
I’ll follow-up
don’t turn around
just drink the cup
without a sound
and don’t letup
or else you’ll drown
cyclical patterns of joy and desolation
of abuse and abstaining
it might have been my imagination
but I woke up; it’s still raining
drug dreams
and cold sweat
it seems
I reset
so I’ll have one more
and I will make sure
there are no more surprises
until tomorrow’s sun rises
morning contemplations
the suns been up for a while now
it’s about time to throw away those bottles
empty the ashtray
and wipe off the mirror
what did you do
not again
and again
my oasis next to a minefield
and it shrinks with every indulgent escape
i feel eluded by a feeling i’m not sure I believe in
and I’m searching for it here at rock bottom
clean
how far is too far?
let’s go for it
let’s see how this mixture feels
let’s try another one
let’s split this
let’s find out what narcan smells like
let’s wake up now
a creature of instant gratification
an embodiment of hedonism
absorbing physical pleasure
exuding mental pain
always attempting to fill the hole in your heart with chemical bliss
maybe it’s time to find something more
before you slip back down
down,
down,
down,
to where everything is always fine but nothing is ever good
unseen
washed up onto the shore
after grazing the frigid depths
self indulgent worries besiege you haphazardly pouring down like an anxious rainfall
‘Don’t scare us like that again!’
‘I don’t know what I’d have done!’
‘Thank God you’re okay.’
they weren’t there
no one was
you met your fate
and it gave you back
find the words they’re hungry for
emptier than your promises
placate the nervous faces in your visage
say anything so that they will leave you alone
alone
alone
alone is how you died
alone is how you’ll survive
recovery
alienated, a stranger to my world
and while nothings changed, things are new;
alluring, beautiful, encapsulating, entangling
why does it feel like a mirage?
a precariously placed vase
as fragile as a smile
that could shatter at the smallest provocation?
nothing is familiar anymore
where did I go?
who are you?
who were you?
what’s wrong?
do you really miss
watching blood drip in the sink?
how about
hiding in your personas or systematically isolating?
remember everyone who cared about you?
me neither
pushed away so far they never found their way back in your head
so many disguises
nobody knew that person
especially not you
hedonism
pretty smile.
blue eyes.
weak willed.
easy target.
how far can you go?
let’s see.
have another one,
but you really don’t have to take as much as me.
hide your pain, nows not the time.
muffle your emotions, for the sake of my escapism.
lose yourself in the sex. the oxytocin. the oxycontin. the cocaine. the benzodiazepines. the amphetamines. up and down, up and down.
the wild theories. the endless talking, approaching upon an unreachable goal, some shared idealism that i had fostered for us.
pretend it’s okay, just like i’m doing.
lose yourself in me, but no promises I can handle that.
maybe then i’ll reciprocate.
oh wait
was that too far?
…hello?
