hunger

forever hunting

amongst barren grounds

a craving consciousness,

never satiated

searching for

another dose of dopamine

and spending another night

asleep with the lights on

rinse,

repeat

until you run out of breath

degenerate

fuzzy memories

blurred from bliss

hazy days spent with indulgence

reckless nights spent without regard

stolen bottles smashed onto asphalt

sirens, running

back to the safe house

for more chemicals

more meaningless sex

waking up in a strangers bed

resolutions and regret

recoil and resent

relapse and repeat

drug dreams

I’m drifting up
and crashing down
I’ll follow-up
don’t turn around
just drink the cup
without a sound
and don’t letup
or else you’ll drown

cyclical patterns of joy and desolation
of abuse and abstaining
it might have been my imagination
but I woke up; it’s still raining

drug dreams
and cold sweat
it seems
I reset

so I’ll have one more
and I will make sure
there are no more surprises
until tomorrow’s sun rises

morning contemplations

the suns been up for a while now
it’s about time to throw away those bottles
empty the ashtray
and wipe off the mirror

what did you do
not again
and again

my oasis next to a minefield
and it shrinks with every indulgent escape

i feel eluded by a feeling i’m not sure I believe in
and I’m searching for it here at rock bottom

clean

how far is too far?

let’s go for it
let’s see how this mixture feels
let’s try another one
let’s split this
let’s find out what narcan smells like
let’s wake up now

a creature of instant gratification
an embodiment of hedonism
absorbing physical pleasure
exuding mental pain

always attempting to fill the hole in your heart with chemical bliss
maybe it’s time to find something more
before you slip back down
down,
down,
down,
to where everything is always fine but nothing is ever good

unseen

washed up onto the shore
after grazing the frigid depths
self indulgent worries besiege you haphazardly pouring down like an anxious rainfall
‘Don’t scare us like that again!’
‘I don’t know what I’d have done!’
‘Thank God you’re okay.’

they weren’t there
no one was
you met your fate
and it gave you back

find the words they’re hungry for
emptier than your promises
placate the nervous faces in your visage
say anything so that they will leave you alone
alone
alone
alone is how you died
alone is how you’ll survive

recovery

alienated, a stranger to my world

and while nothings changed, things are new;

alluring, beautiful, encapsulating, entangling

why does it feel like a mirage?

a precariously placed vase

as fragile as a smile

that could shatter at the smallest provocation?

nothing is familiar anymore

where did I go?

who are you?

who were you?

what’s wrong?

do you really miss

watching blood drip in the sink?

how about

hiding in your personas or systematically isolating?

remember everyone who cared about you?

me neither

pushed away so far they never found their way back in your head

so many disguises

nobody knew that person

especially not you

hedonism

pretty smile.

blue eyes.
weak willed.
easy target.
how far can you go?
let’s see.
have another one,
but you really don’t have to take as much as me.
hide your pain, nows not the time.
muffle your emotions, for the sake of my escapism.
lose yourself in the sex. the oxytocin. the oxycontin. the cocaine. the benzodiazepines. the amphetamines. up and down, up and down.
the wild theories. the endless talking, approaching upon an unreachable goal, some shared idealism that i had fostered for us.
pretend it’s okay, just like i’m doing.
lose yourself in me, but no promises I can handle that.
maybe then i’ll reciprocate.
oh wait
was that too far?
…hello?