forever hunting
amongst barren grounds
a craving consciousness,
never satiated
searching for
another dose of dopamine
and spending another night
asleep with the lights on
rinse,
repeat
until you run out of breath
rhetorical solipsism
forever hunting
amongst barren grounds
a craving consciousness,
never satiated
searching for
another dose of dopamine
and spending another night
asleep with the lights on
rinse,
repeat
until you run out of breath
chaos is the sculptor of beauty
the glistening snow hiding cracks in the asphalt
I tried to find my way home
but everything looked different
memories flood to me every morning
they’re gone by sundown
a life of fleeting moments to try and hold on to
I used to be glad I had a poor memory
but now I don’t want to forget you
romanticizing the dark
drastic measures
for minor issues
restless nights
and drowsy days
caustic thoughts
and paradoxical behavior
take your pills
take a breath
they told you that would help
just give it another week
fuzzy memories
blurred from bliss
hazy days spent with indulgence
reckless nights spent without regard
stolen bottles smashed onto asphalt
sirens, running
back to the safe house
for more chemicals
more meaningless sex
waking up in a strangers bed
resolutions and regret
recoil and resent
relapse and repeat
I’m drifting up
and crashing down
I’ll follow-up
don’t turn around
just drink the cup
without a sound
and don’t letup
or else you’ll drown
cyclical patterns of joy and desolation
of abuse and abstaining
it might have been my imagination
but I woke up; it’s still raining
drug dreams
and cold sweat
it seems
I reset
so I’ll have one more
and I will make sure
there are no more surprises
until tomorrow’s sun rises
why did you do that? she futilely asked the man
who had nothing to lose
the ashes are piling up
the new city you built just crumbled
it’s time to climb out of the wreckage
and move on again
where to this time? she futilely asked the man
who had no where to go
the suns been up for a while now
it’s about time to throw away those bottles
empty the ashtray
and wipe off the mirror
what did you do
not again
and again
my oasis next to a minefield
and it shrinks with every indulgent escape
i feel eluded by a feeling i’m not sure I believe in
and I’m searching for it here at rock bottom
how far is too far?
let’s go for it
let’s see how this mixture feels
let’s try another one
let’s split this
let’s find out what narcan smells like
let’s wake up now
a creature of instant gratification
an embodiment of hedonism
absorbing physical pleasure
exuding mental pain
always attempting to fill the hole in your heart with chemical bliss
maybe it’s time to find something more
before you slip back down
down,
down,
down,
to where everything is always fine but nothing is ever good
alienated, a stranger to my world
and while nothings changed, things are new;
alluring, beautiful, encapsulating, entangling
why does it feel like a mirage?
a precariously placed vase
as fragile as a smile
that could shatter at the smallest provocation?
nothing is familiar anymore
where did I go?
who are you?
who were you?
what’s wrong?
do you really miss
watching blood drip in the sink?
how about
hiding in your personas or systematically isolating?
remember everyone who cared about you?
me neither
pushed away so far they never found their way back in your head
so many disguises
nobody knew that person
especially not you