hunger

forever hunting

amongst barren grounds

a craving consciousness,

never satiated

searching for

another dose of dopamine

and spending another night

asleep with the lights on

rinse,

repeat

until you run out of breath

perspective

chaos is the sculptor of beauty

the glistening snow hiding cracks in the asphalt

I tried to find my way home

but everything looked different

memories flood to me every morning

they’re gone by sundown

a life of fleeting moments to try and hold on to

I used to be glad I had a poor memory

but now I don’t want to forget you

help

romanticizing the dark

drastic measures

for minor issues

restless nights

and drowsy days

caustic thoughts

and paradoxical behavior

take your pills

take a breath

they told you that would help

just give it another week

degenerate

fuzzy memories

blurred from bliss

hazy days spent with indulgence

reckless nights spent without regard

stolen bottles smashed onto asphalt

sirens, running

back to the safe house

for more chemicals

more meaningless sex

waking up in a strangers bed

resolutions and regret

recoil and resent

relapse and repeat

drug dreams

I’m drifting up
and crashing down
I’ll follow-up
don’t turn around
just drink the cup
without a sound
and don’t letup
or else you’ll drown

cyclical patterns of joy and desolation
of abuse and abstaining
it might have been my imagination
but I woke up; it’s still raining

drug dreams
and cold sweat
it seems
I reset

so I’ll have one more
and I will make sure
there are no more surprises
until tomorrow’s sun rises

morning contemplations

the suns been up for a while now
it’s about time to throw away those bottles
empty the ashtray
and wipe off the mirror

what did you do
not again
and again

my oasis next to a minefield
and it shrinks with every indulgent escape

i feel eluded by a feeling i’m not sure I believe in
and I’m searching for it here at rock bottom

clean

how far is too far?

let’s go for it
let’s see how this mixture feels
let’s try another one
let’s split this
let’s find out what narcan smells like
let’s wake up now

a creature of instant gratification
an embodiment of hedonism
absorbing physical pleasure
exuding mental pain

always attempting to fill the hole in your heart with chemical bliss
maybe it’s time to find something more
before you slip back down
down,
down,
down,
to where everything is always fine but nothing is ever good

recovery

alienated, a stranger to my world

and while nothings changed, things are new;

alluring, beautiful, encapsulating, entangling

why does it feel like a mirage?

a precariously placed vase

as fragile as a smile

that could shatter at the smallest provocation?

nothing is familiar anymore

where did I go?

who are you?

who were you?

what’s wrong?

do you really miss

watching blood drip in the sink?

how about

hiding in your personas or systematically isolating?

remember everyone who cared about you?

me neither

pushed away so far they never found their way back in your head

so many disguises

nobody knew that person

especially not you